Weddings are hard

we have both lost perspective. it's gotten out of hand. they say it's never too late to change and do something different, scaled back, "you." but that's not really true--not after other people start putting money into it; then you really need to stick to the plan and move forward, and believe it will all come together, and be beautiful--not perfect, but then, you're not perfect--but a reflection of you. and at the end of it all, as my good friend K says, it's you and him, and that's what it's all about anyhow.

no matter what the bells and whistles.

but weddings are hard. i see that first hand right now with communication issues, costs, the ideas others have (important others, like parents), and the unrealistic aspects of my own childhood dreams. i see it in my friends, who have struggled with infidelity, divorce, and the very hard realization that This may not actually be right, and some thinking must be done.

relationships are frightening. marriage is terrifying. you join yourself to someone else--forever. on one hand, that is a comforting, romantic vision. on another: a life sentence.

i suppose it depends upon the day.

you find that you marry not only a person, but also that person's family. terrifying.

but when it all gets insane, i spy a photo of my beau, and i know he is my best friend, my tribe, my home. the world is crazy, and he's crazy, but he's my crazy.

...only (oh God) about two months to go.

Camerado, I give you my hand!
I give you my love more precious than money,
I give you myself before preaching or law;
Will you give me yourself? will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live? 
-Walt Whitman, Song of the Open Road


via ffffound

Got my dress

Before you diss David's, know not only did I not want to go there, but had a boutique in Ohio lined up. However. Feeling pressed for time, I made an impromptu appointment, went, and fell in love with a dozen gowns. They have, apparently, a new buyer. Well, he or she is doing a great job. I never would have picked this out in a magazine, or thought it up in my head, but I tried it on a whim, and I just kept going back to it. I tried on fancier gowns, bigger gowns, more "me" gowns, but I couldn't cut this one, couldn't put it back on the rack, kept putting it back on. And finally the sales associate asked me, with a knowing look, "Well?"And she was right. This is it. This is the gown. And OMG I have it in my CLOSET!

do not mess with my calm

Whoa. Ok. Somewhere along the planning, things got cr-azy. But it's ok. I had to take a few deep breaths, reconvene with my beau, make some actual, concrete decisions (and stick with them) and now I feel much better.

Slightly overwhelmed because there's still a lot to do, but much better.

Little Brown Pen

Aagh!

Wedding flipping overload!

So we went to the Stanley Hotel Sunday & mom & I fell in love with its views, cool historicalness, and yes, the mystic of its numerous and widely reported hauntings. We thought, "Oooh, what if the wedding were here?"

But that train of thought is only going to open a great big can of Trouble.

Because then we found out that it's ridiculously expensive (like, I sat on the floor and cried a little bit expensive). And then there was the conundrum of not knowing a photographer, florist or baker. And then my dad, in Ohio, had a little fit via phone (while I was in a dressing room trying on wedding gowns, no less) about how "none of his relatives would be able to come."

But then I found The Dress.

I found it.

I FOUND THE DRESS.

And it's so beautiful, and so worthy of a gorgeous historical haunted hotel with majestic views of the Rockies, so much more fitting for that, and swank, and jazz, and black tuxedos than a backyard wedding.

So then the proverbial can was completely open and spilled all over the place and I bought the dress and-damn-the-consequences and then right when we seemed to have formulated a plan to have the wedding at the Stanley, everyone had a mad breakdown.

So we were back to square one. Wedding at home. Ok, effing fine. It's pretty, things are lined up, FINE. For real. Fine.

But then what do my parents keep saying to me? "Everyone will think it's casual, you know. At-home weddings are casual."

And my father says, "Oh, so & so went to a wedding last week, and it rained, it rained so hard that even though they spent thousands of dollars putting down a floor in the tent, the water and mud crept over it and got all over everyone's dresses and shoes."

"Your cousin Sammy has a tattoo on his head. He's very excited about coming to the wedding."

But I don't want a casual, BBQ, cousins-wearing-Harley T-shirts wedding!
And what if it RAINS?
And seriously, what if it RAINS?

And then everyone says to me, "Well, what do YOU want? It's your day. What would you like?"
But they don't really mean it. It's really not. Everyone says it's about the bride, but that's not how it is. No wonder brides are totally batsh*t crazy: they're trying to please everyone and still not sacrifice too much of the day they've dreamed about for so long.

Deep breath and note to self:

both via ffffound

This is my favorite part

Louis Armstrong

Warm May breeze 

Puppy dog

We now have the wedding photographer, caterer (who can do vegetarian), tents, cake maker, my matron of honor, our officiant & the flower girl. Last week at this time, we had none of these things secured and no idea what we were doing for the rest. 

So I feel accomplished.

Plus, my favorite things so far are that my future sister-in-law is my matron of honor, our very good friend J is our officiant, my college friend C is our photographer, and my niece is the flower girl. With all this in place, it's going to be great.

I've got DJ iPod on, practicing for the big day. Wreckless Eric, a cappella Jeff Buckley, Louis Armstrong, Sinatra, Weezer. 

Plans this weekend: design our wedding invites. I originally wanted to silk screen them, but am running shy of time, so I think we'll just design them on the computer, maybe do some free hand sketching, and print them out via laser jet. 

image via snippet&ink

fairy tale

I love this dress. I tore it out of a magazine years ago and saved it. I kind of always wanted to be that bride. I mean, hello gorgeous cloud-like whipped tulle fairy tale princess gown.

Just one eensy problem: I have no idea who made that delicious gown. Neglected to save that information.

x | le love | ffffound | ru glamour | case via signal gallery 

i. love. paris. in the...wintertime?

Does anyone ever feel like they have the time and money to travel? I'm guessing not. I mean, both the time and the money? Probably unlikely, unless you're my friend S, who is a kept woman and can go wherever she damn well pleases.

Unlike my friend, R, who simply wanted to go to France and so she saved her money, took some French classes and went. Jealous.

Or my friend A, who had not the money but found the time and went. And is now in debt, but at least she has some great stories (especially the one about eating fresh figs under fig trees in Germany) and also some great photos of Amsterdam.

So what holds me back? The answer is inertia. I suffer from my own tragectory. I need, I truly, really need to break this path and go, go, go.

I don't even have a passport.

So I just sit at home, like this. Looking just exactly like this.

I self-sabotage by saying I do not have the time, I am saving vacation days for the wedding (however, am leaving this job and moving to Denver, so, now my excuse will be "I cannot, I do not have a job"), or I say that I can't, I don't have the money, I am saving for the wedding (caught in the second lie: um, over a year into the engagement now and I have literally done nothing to further this wedding, save one afternoon of trying on bridal gowns with mom in Ohio.)

Yesterday, while musing over a winter wedding in Colorado, replete with sleigh rides and twinkling lights (t.l., btw, are on my list of "must have's" for the wedding; this much I know) and he tossed out the idea of a honeymoon in Paris. At Christmas.

ffffound | Bristol Hotel | arc de triomphe

Oh, my stars

Found this cake via Snippet & Ink from Martha Stewart. I. Am. In. Love.

We haven't decided on a cake yet, and I think this is a worthy contender. Likely in different colors. Equally tasty in either something lemonlicious or a red velvet, I'm guessing. 

UPDATE: This cake is most likely not going to happen, because our cake maker is not so amazing, and she can't do the stars. She's asking us to do them. Really? Isn't that your job?