Weddings are hard

we have both lost perspective. it's gotten out of hand. they say it's never too late to change and do something different, scaled back, "you." but that's not really true--not after other people start putting money into it; then you really need to stick to the plan and move forward, and believe it will all come together, and be beautiful--not perfect, but then, you're not perfect--but a reflection of you. and at the end of it all, as my good friend K says, it's you and him, and that's what it's all about anyhow.

no matter what the bells and whistles.

but weddings are hard. i see that first hand right now with communication issues, costs, the ideas others have (important others, like parents), and the unrealistic aspects of my own childhood dreams. i see it in my friends, who have struggled with infidelity, divorce, and the very hard realization that This may not actually be right, and some thinking must be done.

relationships are frightening. marriage is terrifying. you join yourself to someone else--forever. on one hand, that is a comforting, romantic vision. on another: a life sentence.

i suppose it depends upon the day.

you find that you marry not only a person, but also that person's family. terrifying.

but when it all gets insane, i spy a photo of my beau, and i know he is my best friend, my tribe, my home. the world is crazy, and he's crazy, but he's my crazy.

...only (oh God) about two months to go.

Camerado, I give you my hand!
I give you my love more precious than money,
I give you myself before preaching or law;
Will you give me yourself? will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live? 
-Walt Whitman, Song of the Open Road


via ffffound

blues traveler

Can I register for this?

So the moving blues have finally hit. Sad face. I knew it would come, because it always, inevitably, does. Moving is hard. It's really exciting and it feels good to leave your "old life" for something new and exciting, but after awhile, the reality sinks in. You don't know the territory. You don't know anyone. You don't have a network. You don't even have a favorite bookstore.

Sigh.

Today has been a lovely rainy day, a great relief from the blast of heat we've had all week. It's good sitting-inside-and-writing weather, which is what I've attempted most of today. It's also fitting for my mood.

But boy, boy-oh-boy, have I been blue today.

It will pass, with time. It will, I know that. But, man, today is one of those days you have to muscle through.

ffffound

Got my dress

Before you diss David's, know not only did I not want to go there, but had a boutique in Ohio lined up. However. Feeling pressed for time, I made an impromptu appointment, went, and fell in love with a dozen gowns. They have, apparently, a new buyer. Well, he or she is doing a great job. I never would have picked this out in a magazine, or thought it up in my head, but I tried it on a whim, and I just kept going back to it. I tried on fancier gowns, bigger gowns, more "me" gowns, but I couldn't cut this one, couldn't put it back on the rack, kept putting it back on. And finally the sales associate asked me, with a knowing look, "Well?"And she was right. This is it. This is the gown. And OMG I have it in my CLOSET!

do not mess with my calm

Whoa. Ok. Somewhere along the planning, things got cr-azy. But it's ok. I had to take a few deep breaths, reconvene with my beau, make some actual, concrete decisions (and stick with them) and now I feel much better.

Slightly overwhelmed because there's still a lot to do, but much better.

Little Brown Pen

Aagh!

Wedding flipping overload!

So we went to the Stanley Hotel Sunday & mom & I fell in love with its views, cool historicalness, and yes, the mystic of its numerous and widely reported hauntings. We thought, "Oooh, what if the wedding were here?"

But that train of thought is only going to open a great big can of Trouble.

Because then we found out that it's ridiculously expensive (like, I sat on the floor and cried a little bit expensive). And then there was the conundrum of not knowing a photographer, florist or baker. And then my dad, in Ohio, had a little fit via phone (while I was in a dressing room trying on wedding gowns, no less) about how "none of his relatives would be able to come."

But then I found The Dress.

I found it.

I FOUND THE DRESS.

And it's so beautiful, and so worthy of a gorgeous historical haunted hotel with majestic views of the Rockies, so much more fitting for that, and swank, and jazz, and black tuxedos than a backyard wedding.

So then the proverbial can was completely open and spilled all over the place and I bought the dress and-damn-the-consequences and then right when we seemed to have formulated a plan to have the wedding at the Stanley, everyone had a mad breakdown.

So we were back to square one. Wedding at home. Ok, effing fine. It's pretty, things are lined up, FINE. For real. Fine.

But then what do my parents keep saying to me? "Everyone will think it's casual, you know. At-home weddings are casual."

And my father says, "Oh, so & so went to a wedding last week, and it rained, it rained so hard that even though they spent thousands of dollars putting down a floor in the tent, the water and mud crept over it and got all over everyone's dresses and shoes."

"Your cousin Sammy has a tattoo on his head. He's very excited about coming to the wedding."

But I don't want a casual, BBQ, cousins-wearing-Harley T-shirts wedding!
And what if it RAINS?
And seriously, what if it RAINS?

And then everyone says to me, "Well, what do YOU want? It's your day. What would you like?"
But they don't really mean it. It's really not. Everyone says it's about the bride, but that's not how it is. No wonder brides are totally batsh*t crazy: they're trying to please everyone and still not sacrifice too much of the day they've dreamed about for so long.

Deep breath and note to self:

both via ffffound

This is my favorite part

Louis Armstrong

Warm May breeze 

Puppy dog

We now have the wedding photographer, caterer (who can do vegetarian), tents, cake maker, my matron of honor, our officiant & the flower girl. Last week at this time, we had none of these things secured and no idea what we were doing for the rest. 

So I feel accomplished.

Plus, my favorite things so far are that my future sister-in-law is my matron of honor, our very good friend J is our officiant, my college friend C is our photographer, and my niece is the flower girl. With all this in place, it's going to be great.

I've got DJ iPod on, practicing for the big day. Wreckless Eric, a cappella Jeff Buckley, Louis Armstrong, Sinatra, Weezer. 

Plans this weekend: design our wedding invites. I originally wanted to silk screen them, but am running shy of time, so I think we'll just design them on the computer, maybe do some free hand sketching, and print them out via laser jet. 

image via snippet&ink

Thought for the day

Foils + Dies

Meanwhile, I love this:

      

(fictional) New York City urban etiquette posters. 

Brilliant.

Arrived in the Mile High and before the internet could get hooked up, my computer suffered some sort of stroke. Crimeny. Right as I'm sitting here with no Web, no car, no job, nothing but loads of time to devote to novel-writing. I suppose I should have impulse-purchased that old typewriter I saw in Chicago. That'll teach me to be frugal.


So the computer is in the shop and it's going to cost me about $300 to fix, and hopefully nothing I've saved there will get erased, like my research, and photos, and wedding info, and the images I've saved for this blog, and my entire iTunes library. I tried to perform an emergency back up of my stuff, but the computer froze mid-burn and went black. Clearly, my computer is an anarchist.

This, apparently, is the typewriter Hemingway owned, and actual descendants of some of his cats. I love how the descendants of Hemingway's cats have been traced, but my family still isn't entirely sure if great grandpa came from Russia or Germany.

Here we go

I'm about to disconnect, and when I reconnect, I'll be in Colorado.

(Unless, I suppose, I go to a coffee shop and use their WiFi)

It's interesting to be going somewhere and not to be outrunning a broken heart, escaping a terrible job, or chasing a dream. To be going, instead, because it's right for someone you love, and you are at peace with leaving.

There are many things that make a modern gypsy, and my list would require an entirely separate post (or blog). I can't believe it, but I'm finally tired of moving. I equally can't believe the word "stability" no longer sounds dirty to me.

Au revoir, Chicago, City of Big Shoulders, gangster's ghosts, deep dish love & red-shoe-blues.

This feels a little bit like breaking up with someone you should have a long time ago, when all you can do is shake hands, smile and say, "Thanks for the memories. I wish you well."

both images via ffffound

fairy tale

I love this dress. I tore it out of a magazine years ago and saved it. I kind of always wanted to be that bride. I mean, hello gorgeous cloud-like whipped tulle fairy tale princess gown.

Just one eensy problem: I have no idea who made that delicious gown. Neglected to save that information.

x | le love | ffffound | ru glamour | case via signal gallery 

black & gold

Tonight feels like black and gold. A little dreamy, a little mysterious. 

wien museum wine, snippet & ink, design is mine, ffffound x2

Write Now

ffffound

Write now. Stop getting distracted by other blogs, by the Internet at large, by another bottle of San Pellegrino Limonata. Write, now, you should be writing, you should be working hard at your novel, because you want to finish and publish and see your name on a book jacket through the window of a bookstore. Stop talking yourself out of it, stop being scared that you'll fail before you begin, stop stopping yourself. Write now. Begin. Write now you are sitting here without the boy without the dog without plans with nothing but a night ahead, write now you are success waiting to happen, you are stories bursting through your seams, you are words, words, words and you know this, sometimes, better than you know your own name. Fingers on the keys. Write now.

It's lonely. It's hard. But what can you do? It's your very self, so you must write. Just one more sentence of procrastination longer and...

No more excuses. You are brilliant and clever and it's just the shitty first draft which no one will read anyhow, so you've nothing to lose. You know you will anyhow, so you might as well get to it.

Write, now.

I miss my dog

I don't mean to be prejudice or anything, but I have the best dog in the world.

I will get to see her in just 9-10 days. She's been waiting for me in Colorado since March 14th, when she and the Beau took off in advance. Puppy withdrawal is seriously hard, people.

I try to get a fix by shamelessly petting other people's dogs on the street, or trolling petfinder.com, but it's not the same. They're not her. She's my buddy, my companion. She's my happy little face, my bee.

I tell myself "soon." Soon, soon, soon. Soon.

Studio on Fire, MN

I don't need another book.

Etsy

But I want one. 

I live by this great bookstore. And I can't pass it without acting like Carrie Bradshaw passing Manolo Blahnik. 

I have a stack of books to read (packed away for the move), but I can't help it. I want more. 

My Amazon wish list has 18 items and is topping off at over $200. In BOOKS. In my trusty sidekick notebook, I've got scribbles of titles, authors, and publications I need to check out. There are more notes on the backs of receipts crumpled in my purse. 

And yet.

And yet.

I pass a bookstore, my steps slow, my eyes scan the book jackets, and soon I'm standing in the middle of the sidewalk, gazing lustfully at the volumes. 

It's worse if I actually go in.

And I'm in the middle of a book right now. (Alright, two.)

Oh, and btw, no Kindle for me, thanks. I spend enough time staring at a computer screen. Not to mention the fact I like to read in the bath too much and I'm too clumsy. And I can take a paperback to the beach and get it sandy or leave it in the sun. I can toss it in my bag and let the pages get all bent. I can lend it to a friend, or buy a well-worn copy at a used book shop, maybe with someone else's notes or dedication inked in the inside cover. 

And if I do drop it in the bath, I can still read it when it dries. 

Besides, give up the scent of paper and the feel of the pages? I think not.

I'm gonna miss it

 

The Matisse exhibit at the Chicago Art Institute. And oh, how I wanted to go! But the To Do list has gotten out of control, and we leave for Colorado Monday. Sad face.

So I am sharing some Fauve-ulous pics that I like in honor of my jilted plans.

Obviously, these images aren't art history. But they have that Crayola-licious look that the Fauves brought forth.

ffffound | Brooklyn Bride | Holi festival of colors | Oh Happy Day!

i. love. paris. in the...wintertime?

Does anyone ever feel like they have the time and money to travel? I'm guessing not. I mean, both the time and the money? Probably unlikely, unless you're my friend S, who is a kept woman and can go wherever she damn well pleases.

Unlike my friend, R, who simply wanted to go to France and so she saved her money, took some French classes and went. Jealous.

Or my friend A, who had not the money but found the time and went. And is now in debt, but at least she has some great stories (especially the one about eating fresh figs under fig trees in Germany) and also some great photos of Amsterdam.

So what holds me back? The answer is inertia. I suffer from my own tragectory. I need, I truly, really need to break this path and go, go, go.

I don't even have a passport.

So I just sit at home, like this. Looking just exactly like this.

I self-sabotage by saying I do not have the time, I am saving vacation days for the wedding (however, am leaving this job and moving to Denver, so, now my excuse will be "I cannot, I do not have a job"), or I say that I can't, I don't have the money, I am saving for the wedding (caught in the second lie: um, over a year into the engagement now and I have literally done nothing to further this wedding, save one afternoon of trying on bridal gowns with mom in Ohio.)

Yesterday, while musing over a winter wedding in Colorado, replete with sleigh rides and twinkling lights (t.l., btw, are on my list of "must have's" for the wedding; this much I know) and he tossed out the idea of a honeymoon in Paris. At Christmas.

ffffound | Bristol Hotel | arc de triomphe

Pretty baubles

So I was meeting friends tonight and, you know, running early, so I did the best thing I could do with my time: I went to Hazel.

Hazel is...like your super cool, more together, financially stable, fashionable and savvy older sister. Yeah? She's a pretty little store here in Chicago. Here's what I super-want right now:

African Turquoise Cuff

Onyx Bracelet

Guys...it's a locket ring! 

I look at that locket ring in particular and wish I knew someone it would be perfect for so I can give it as a gift...but it's one of those things that's perfect for me! So...I'm just putting that out to the universe. 

Oh, my stars

Found this cake via Snippet & Ink from Martha Stewart. I. Am. In. Love.

We haven't decided on a cake yet, and I think this is a worthy contender. Likely in different colors. Equally tasty in either something lemonlicious or a red velvet, I'm guessing. 

UPDATE: This cake is most likely not going to happen, because our cake maker is not so amazing, and she can't do the stars. She's asking us to do them. Really? Isn't that your job?

Underwater Church

wow...this is just amazing to me! could you imagine living in a place where, when you look out over a lake, you see this?

story

and know it's because there is a church underwater there?

Classic T's

Wonder if I can get one of these for my birthday.

(which is November)

via out of print

So, in my perfect world, I (a published & New York Times best-selling novelist) own a little bookstore/cafe/wine shop that prints chapbooks & works with guys like Out of Print. You should read their rad mission (no way, I just said "rad.")

Happy St. Patrick's Day

love letters

Do you love words and letters and fonts and typography? I do. I love how words can become art. So, say you're working on a screen printing design, or some graphic piece, or maybe even a tattoo, and need a new font, because Helvetica might have its own movie, but it's just a little too...khaki...for you.

Here's a super fun site that you can spend far too much time on:

www.dafont.com

Free fonts! How cool is that? My new favorite is:

I wish it was my handwriting.

Speaking of fonts, I also (ironically) heart this one, found in a little piece of stencil graffiti on the sidewalk in Andersonville:

Day 1

Well, Beau, Estes (the Westie) and my future mother in law are currently heading west in my Toyota Corolla (damn, you Toyota! Why'd you mess with a good thing?), packed with the previously mentioned china.

Lost with this new freedom*, I found myself at World Market, buying brightly colored magazine organizers that were on sale (to be used for my writings in the new apartment.) Sigh. I have this nasty habit of really wanting to shop when I'm getting ready to move. I just get anxious for the new place. But like I need one more (or three) thing(s) to pack?

But they are cute and I love them. And they are flat and will pack easily.

via world market

sotd: "Don't Cry Baby" by Madeleine Peyroux 

*I expect this will all hit me later and I'll feel lonely. Right now, I just keep looking over my shoulder for puppy, wondering if she needs walked, only to remember--oh, she's not here. 

The Final Countdown

The boy leaves with our puppy this weekend to make the first trek to Colorado.
Sad face.

Actually, I'm taking it fairly well, even though in 24 hours they'll be gone, not to be seen for a month. So, I'm guessing this is the denial talking.

He: "What're you gonna do without us here, getting in your way while you're trying to write?"

Me: "Probably finish my novel."

He: "You'll miss us."

Me: "Sh, writing."